Meant to be.

I’m feeling reflecty. Is that a word? Probably not but I’m going with it.

I have long been one to proudly proclaim that all of the choices and decisions I have made my entire life have led me to where I am right now. And I am good with where I ended up. Truly. I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything.

But for some reason tonight, I am pensively tripping down memory lane, and wondering what might have been.

What would my life be today if I had pursued a relationship with my best college friend when he finally kissed me that night at the tressel? Would we have had an epic romance? And what would have happened if I put more effort into befriending the girl that eventually became his wife rather than hating on her for constantly breaking his heart? Would I not have eventually lost the friendship I valued so much? I’ll never know.

And what about the first real love from my 20s. I recently learned he has since been arrested several times. Always slightly emotionally messed up, after I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) put up with the ‘will he or won’t he’ any longer he apparently fell down a dark rabbit hole of addiction and crime to support the habit. I wonder if I had stuck with him if my influence would have kept him from falling into the abyss. Or would I have tumbled in with him? I can only classify our relationship as toxic in the extreme. But I did love him and part of me always will. I hope he pulls his shit together. I want him to be happy.

I wonder what I would be doing if I had stayed in Denver. Would I have eventually found a person and settled into a rocky mountain life or continued to float and flit from gig to gig while flirting with the edges of my own potential drug fueled abyss? Is the pity for my ex really just an acknowledgement of there but for the grace of God go I? Probably.

If I hadn’t moved back to my home state, if I hadn’t cut all contact with my father, if I hadn’t had the abortion, if I had chosen a different college, if I didn’t run the stop sign and total my car, if I hadn’t accepted the invite to go to the bar for happy hour that night…

If I had done just one thing differently, I never would have married my Gorilla, we wouldn’t have Monkey and I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

And like I said… I love where I am.

So here’s to being thankful for opportunities missed, seemingly nonsensical choices made and broken hearts. Because I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

Well maybe I would like to have more money, but only if I could keep everything else exactly the same too.