Trust.

I remember in 5th grade our school took us on a weekend camping trip to a state forest. I was 10 I think. One of the things we did was stand on a fence and fall back into the arms of our classmates. It was an exercise in trust. I have lost so many memories over the years, but that moment I have remembered clearly as if it happened yesterday instead of 36 years ago. I was teased horribly as a child, making friends never came easily to me, and in that moment I was scared. I really didn’t know if they would catch me or let me hit the ground and laugh at my bleeding, broken body. I hesitated, but I made the choice to trust them.

As I crossed my arms over my chest and shifted my weight back I closed my eyes and let go. A lifetime of desperately trying to fit in passed before my eyes. All the jokes I didn’t get, all the social cues I missed, all the pop culture references I was clueless about ran through like a movie in my mind in the split second as I was falling through space into the arms of my tormentors.

They caught me to my relief.

It occurs to me that I have not always been willing to put that trust in a universe that has caused me so much heartbreak over the years. How could my 10 year old self been brave enough to trust the very people who made my early school years a living nightmare and not trust the one being who loves me in infinite abundance?

Do I trust God to catch me when I fall?

It is hard letting go isn’t it? They say “let go and let God” but have you ever stopped to consider what that actually means? Letting God have complete control over your life? I am a plan maker. I imagine every worst case scenario and plan how to handle it. I worry constantly about money, security, family, health, being left alone…

It is past time time I stop worrying so much about life and just start living it.

It’s time I allow myself to fall and trust that I will be caught.